A Mary Sue Parody
by Merccy
Summary: A parody of the average Mary-Sue fic, complete with Angsty-Neo, Mary-Sue, and… a Furby.


Title: Golden Dreams of Sun-Kissed Kisses Under the Dark Sunlight 

By Mercury 

Rating: PG

Summary: A parody of the average Mary-Sue fic, complete with Angsty-Neo, Mary-Sue, and… a Furby.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Matrix or any of its characters. I own that girl, but that's not really something to be proud of, don't you think?

Feedback: Appreciated, but not demanded.

Author's Notes: Thanks to Alina for being a kick-ass beta! This is just my way of bashing Mary-Sues without flaming anyone, and I hope you enjoy it.

Also: This is only called "Mary-Sue Parody #1" because the real title wouldn't fit. Oh, and a big thanks to everyone who read and gave their two cents on this story on the Hardline. What can I say? I love you guys.

Neo looked around him and subsequently saw nothing at all. That was, in fact, what he was expecting to see, but the pitch black of the night made it impossible to even see that nothing was there at all. Thoroughly confused, he gave up trying to see and instead felt around the other side of the bed to make sure she was really gone, and that Trinity wasn't really lying next to him.

It had been a year since the terrible (yet MYSTERIOUSLY and DRAMATICALLY vague) incident that claimed his true love's life, and still he checked, always hoping he would touch a head or an arm instead of just a pillow. Every night, the same result: nothing. This time, though, his hand landed upon something soft.

"Trinity?"

"I laah-ve you." Came the mechanical response. Neo picked up the talking object and could just make out the outline of a Furby in the dark of the night.

"I laah-ve you. Sleepy-sleep." Neo glared at the creature and threw it at the wall, where it made a few strangled noises before finally dying. He rolled over and began his nightly ritual of wailing and moaning himself to sleep.

Outside his room, Morpheus approached Tank, who was sitting at a table on the main deck of the Neb.

"Couldn't sleep?" Morpheus asked Tank.

"Who can? He's louder than the engines on this thing. That and he was pelting Furbies at my wall."

Morpheus looked confused. "And where did he get a Furby…?"

Tank sighed. "He and Trin bought Furbies on their last trip into the Matrix."

"Ah."

"Yeah. But what puzzles me is… how did the Furbies manage to be transported from the matrix and take form in the real world?"

Morpheus shrugged.

Tank furrowed his brow. "Weird."

Neo never came to breakfast after Trinity died. However, he was summoned out of his room later on in the afternoon by Morpheus, who sat him down at a table.

"Listen, Neo…"

Neo gave Morpheus his signature depressed-puppy-dog look, complete with droopy eyes.

"Neo, we're going to introduce you to the new crew member on board soon, and I want you to… well… shape up a little bit. Now, I know that your heart has been broken, but you must not let your past interfere with the present, for then your mind will be unbalanced by the body's equivalent. Your destiny must find the way for itself in the midst of your love, and then you will be able to see clearly."

Morpheus could tell his speech (very cleverly filled with highly philosophical mumbo-jumbo) had been a success by the way it felt like an orchestra was just about to kick into full swing with an inspirational piece. He could also tell that it had no effect whatsoever on Neo by the dazed, uninterested gaze on the One's face.

However, at that exact moment, the door flew open and a girl stood there, shining like the light of a million suns-

"Jesus, Tank, turn off those flashlights! We can hardly see a thing!"

"Sorry, Morpheus," said a meek Tank, clicking off the flashlights and tip-toeing off.

Now that the flashlights were off, Neo could see the girl clearly. She had long, auburn hair that glittered and shining green eyes that twinkled like… something that twinkles a lot. Her face was frozen in an expression of joy, for lack of any other emotions.

Morpheus cleared his throat. "Neo, may I introduce you to-"

"Well, my real name was Carrie Pendlebrook," said the girl in her perfect, high-pitched voice. In fact, Morpheus noticed, it was more squeaky than high-pitched. But then again, he was still irked at her for interrupting him.

"Carrie," Neo softly murmured.

"But my hacker name was ~*~*PunkRockrGrrl15874*~*~. So you can call me that." She finished with a little shake of her curly hair. Neo could've sworn it was straight a minute ago, but he didn't really care at the moment. He was too entranced by her eyes, her marvelous blue eyes, and her full, red lips, and her gracefully arched eyebrows, and her perfectly aligned teeth, and her tiny hips, and her functioning digestive system. She had every required functioning body part. She was perfect.

Morpheus nodded slowly. "Neo, would you like to show Miss…. Er… her around the ship?"

Neo stood up and bowed, offering his hand to the lovely hacker. "Of course." He said, uttering the first intelligent phrase the crew had heard him say in over a year.

Neo lead the girl past the cabin doors. "These are the cabins-" He paused to grab her and whirl her to his left side, away from the steel doors. "For your safety…"

"My safety?" She inquired in her dainty voice.

"Any of the doors could… open… at any time… and cause you harm." Neo eeked out, awed by her presence.

"Oh, Neo." She breathed. "But… before we continue our relationship any further… I just want to tell you something. Just in case."

"Anything, my sweet." Said Neo, getting down on one knee and looking up into the gorgeous face of ~*~*PunkRockrGrrl15874*~*~.

"You see…" She began. "I have a… a MYSTERIOUS and DRAMATIC yet terribly VAGUE past."

In the silence that followed, the corridor became darker, her voice lower, and the mood more somber. In the distance, thunder rumbled ominously.

Neo interrupted the long pause with: "…So?"

The mood lightened, as did the corridor. "Just thought you might like to know!" She chirped. "Come on, I want to see the engine room!"

As they left, Tank confronted Morpheus. "So… what do you think of her?"

"She's very nice. I'm sure she'll be very helpful." Morpheus tried to avoid eye contact with Tank.

"Honestly, man."

"Honestly?"

Tank nodded.

"She has the intelligence of that flashlight-" Morpheus pointed at the green flashlight in Tank's hand, "and the voice of a Sesame Street video on fast-forward."

"Harsh."

"I wish Trinity were here to kick the shit out of her. Why did we unplug this asterisk-whatever girl in the first place?"

Tank thought about it. "A replacement for Trinity?"

"But why her?"

"I think she fell through some time-space vortex thing and landed in place of that nice, intelligent, _human_ hacker girl we were going to unplug."

"Shit."

Neo felt like he was in some sort of dream. There were flowers, and rainbows… and ~*~*PunkRockrGrrl15874*~*~. He sighed happily and began to dance in the fields of tall, green grass, taking in the smell of buttercups and cookies and-

"Neo…Neo…Wake up, Neo." Neo awoke to Tank gently shaking him awake. "Thank God for that BikrChick or whatever her name is. That's the first night you've slept peacefully in a year. Honestly," Tank muttered, exiting, "I don't think I could've handled one more night of that damn wailing."

Later that morning, Neo and Tank were on the main deck of the Neb, chatting quietly, when-

"Nnnneeeeeeeeeeeeo!" Squealed the girl, running in and shattering the eardrums of Tank and Neo, as well as causing some of the equipment in the room to shatter into pieces.

"Hey… uh… squiggle-asterik-squiggle-asterik-PunkRockrGrrl15874 -asterik-squiggle-asterik-squiggle!" Neo managed to get out the entire name in one breath before collapsing onto a chair for lack of oxygen.

"How's that for a mouthful?" Tank muttered.

"All right, people," Morpheus said, entering the room. "We have a mission to do here, and we have to do it right. Tank, get us in."

"Of course." Tank said. "Random, unspecified mission #8466."

Morpheus gave Tank a questioning glance.

"Aah, we all know they're just for a diversion, to allow a love life to grow while fighting an Agent. For them, that is. You're just there for the cheesesteaks."

"True," admitted Morpheus. "Oh well. Get us in there, Tank."

Neo entered the matrix and held out a hand to stop ~*~*PunkRockrGrrl15874*~*~ from going any further.

"There may be danger." He paused to sniff. "I can… smell it."

A sudden high-kick from someone behind Neo sent the One flying.

"Smell this, pretty-boy," retorted Agent Smith.

Neo got up and dusted off his knees. "What kind of comeback is that?!"

~*~*PunkRockrGrrl15874*~*~ glared at the Agent. "You can't hurt Neo, you… you… you… big, fat, stupidhead!"

Smith pointed a finger at her and raised his eyebrows. "And that's a good comeback?"

"Don't insult her, you… you poopyhead!"

Smith cracked his knuckles very slowly. "Mis-ter Anderson… that was uncalled for."

Meanwhile, Morpheus looked over the countertop in the deli with interest.

"These are authentic Philly cheesesteaks?"

"Mmm." Replied the nearly catatonic employee.

"Is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?"

"Mmm." 

Morpheus sighed. "Can I get mine with fried onions?"

"Mmm."

"Alright… give me two of them with fried onions." Said Morpheus, thinking of the mush that just barely passed for food on the Neb. 

Agent Smith was currently beating the crap out of Neo, who was more intent on looking macho than he was on actually winning. ~*~*PunkRockrGrrl15874*~*~ was watching Neo with a dreamy look on her face, and Smith was focused entirely on pummeling Neo into a pulp.

"Watch out, honey!" ~*~*PunkRockrGrrl15874*~*~ yelled as Smith finally drew his gun, aggravated that Neo wasn't even trying to put up a good fight. Neo, realizing that Smith was actually trying to kill him, snapped to attention.

"Don't worry. I can handle this." Neo suavely said to the girl, before leaning back to dodge the bullets and falling flat on his back.

"Good-bye Mr. Anderson." Smith recited for the hundredth time since he'd met Neo, and pulled the trigger.

Neo looked to his left, surprised to still be alive, and saw the bullet hole in the ground. The girl had pushed Smith's gun away just in time and now she was fighting him.

"Squiggle-asterik-squiggle-asterik-PunkRockrGrrl15874-Squiggle-asterik-squiggle-asterik!" Neo finally finished yelling her name just in time to see Smith push her off the side off the building. The girl grabbed onto the edge of the building just in time to recite some last words.

"No matter what, Neo," the girl paused for extra dramatic effect. "I will always be there for you, and I will always love you."

_Then_ she fell.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Neo's anguished cry gave way to a violent spasm of coughing as he flew off, leaving Smith behind, cringing from the recent bout of shrieking.

Morpheus exited the deli stuffing his face with the recently bought cheesesteaks. He was just starting his way into the second one when Neo landed in front of him, empty handed.

"Where's, uh, squiggle-squiggle-whatever her name is?" He inquired, wiping a mess of fried onions off his chin.

"Smith… pushed her off a roof."

Morpheus paused eating for a moment to consider that statement. "Well, that's…" He struggled to find an appropriate word. "…Interesting," he concluded.

Neo shrugged. "I'll be OK. It's not like she had any more emotional range than that of a wooden board, anyway."

Morpheus thought about it. "You know, I think you're right." He sighed. "Come on, let's go back."

-End


End file.
